On Peace ...And Lent All Year

"It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard... is figuring out what you are willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about." 

~ page 54, Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist

I know what I do do. 

I have this list {both in my journal and my head} that I refer to many times in a day to prioritize my time. That being said,  I was inspired by this chapter to make a list of what I don't do. I found that was so, so much harder. 

Coming home after many weeks of traveling was a unique opportunity to gauge my lifestyle from a fleeting objectivity. There is a short window where everything seemed both foreign and familiar, new and wonderfully old. It gave me almost an outsider's peek into our home-life.

One thing I keep hearing in my head was a phrase someone spoke at my Grandfather's funeral. (I am paraphrasing) "Don't let life get on top of you. It's too easy to do and too important to not let it."

When I have been feeling stressed or overwhelmed this week, I have been taking a step back and taking responsibility for it. And asking myself - what is within my power here to not get under, so that my home is peaceful and my kids aren't victimized by my emotions under pressure?

Peace in me, I am realizing, is completely independent of my family's choices, the amount of hours in the day, or what others do or don't do (say or don't say.) I've thought a lot about this before, but I am seeing it through fresh eyes right now. Busyness and stress (usually) can't be blamed on anyone else. 

I have been meditating on John's words he quoted from Jesus: "Do not let your hearts be troubled..." Accepting my limited capacity, my personality, my inherent weaknesses is haaaaaaaaaaaard. I know I am human - I just like to still think possibility!  The fears of being compared to, of being judged, of coming up short is not fun. But the pay-off of peace is more and more worth it for me. So I made my -  completely practical - list for this season in my life. 

Things I Don't Do:

1. I don't over-schedule my calendar. When I am overwhelmed and grouchy with my family, I am the one that planned it and said yes to things. No one else did. 

2. I don't keep a perfect home. There are stacks and piles and dust-dunes I tackle semi-regularly. But compared to the pictures in my head, this is brave omission. 

3. I don't keep pretty garden beds or mow the lawn. I do potted plants well. But my dreams of tulips waving in the spring and well-planned landscaping are just that. 

4. I don't wash windows. (Except maybe once every year or two.) 

5. I don't mop or iron. Vacuuming, yes. But the other two? Nope.

6. I don't rush. Or I am trying not to. I realized rushing is my over-scheduling (or procrastinating), so when I am, it's my fault. 

7. I don't answer the phone very often during the day. I miss spontaneously talking to friends a lot, but I have learned I can't be present to my kids and my day and answer the phone. 

8. I don't stay up late and I don't do much in the evenings. I miss that, too. But it's one way I have just accepted who I am and what my limitations are. 

9. I don't say yes without thinking about it. (Even though my first impulse is usually: Yes!) I don't always know why I say no, but I follow my intuition more and am learning to trust it. Sometimes it takes me a long time to realize why I didn't feel good about something, but it's usually a good reason.

10. I don't have a clean garage. I wish so bad I did. But I don't. 

11. I don't always take a shower every day. And  I don't sweat it if my kids go a few days without baths. (It rains a lot here. They'll be damp/fine.)

12. I don't have any photo albums. I so wish I did. But I have a blog - full of how much I love my family. 

13. I don't clean the car. It drives me crazy - but I don't. 

14. I don't sweat the small stuff. Kids' hairstyles, how they dress, their personalities in their rooms - anything non-permanent that will not endanger them? I don't fight it.
15. I don't finish books that make me feel heavy/dark/awful or haven't grabbed me in the first few chapters. They affect me too much and time is too short. And I want reading to be the gift it is.
16. I don't mend clothes. I wish so bad I could sew. But I just don't know how. So if it's torn, ripped, unravelling - I don't beat myself up. 

Shauna said it well: "It's brutal making the list of Things I Don't Do, especially for someone like me, who refuses most of the time to acknowledge that there is, in fact, a limit to her personal ability to get things done. But I've discovered that the list sets me free."

 ~ page 60, Bittersweet  [emphasis added, mine]